This week I have conferences at school. I love conferences. I like talking to the families and telling them how I love their kids and how they’re getting smarter. I leave out the parts about not always LIKING their kids, but I do mean it when I say that I love them. So don’t get me wrong when I post the following list; I really do care about my kids and their families. Below, however, is a list of questions I would actually like to sit down and add on to report card rigamarole:
1a. Why do you let your kid watch Family Guy?
1b. Why do YOU watch Family Guy?
2 (or 1c). How does it come to be a conscious decision to wear Family Guy pajama pants to drop your child off at school?
3. Do the ticket takers at the movie theater really just let your kids go in to rated R movies, say any of the Saw movies for example, as long as you are with them? No one says anything to you in the theater?
4. Is it a reasonable assumption that you just didn’t see them walk out of the house with a family size bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos which they will attempt to eat for breakfast in my room? And if this is the case, is it unreasonable to ask why you OWN a family size bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos?
5. Are you aware that your child has told me how your cousin can’t come over anymore because she is just a gold digger looking for a handout?
6. Were you under the impression that because your slippers have soles, they are appropriate for outdoor use? I know for a fact that you own shoes. For real outdoor shoes.
7. Was it intentional to wear that shirt to a place of education of children? I’m asking because I can see your bra. This is because the back of your shirt is sheer. So I mean I can literally see your bra right now.
8. I like ice cream, too. Is it your absolute FAVORITE treat? It must be, as you have apparently justified eating an ice cream bar during your child’s parent-teacher conference.
9. Do you really believe it when you say that your child does his/her homework every week and just forgets to turn it in? Where do you think it is going?
In closing, I am aware that these questions may come off as condescending. May I be clear that this was not my intention. I am being 100% honest in wanting answers to these conundrums as I, try as I might over my years of experience, am completely stumped. I love your child. I support you in your struggle to raise your child. Get back to me on these long standing queries.