**August 2015 update: In this post, I write some things that now make me cringe in regards to an adoptive parent centered outlook as opposed to an adoptee centered outlook. However, I am leaving it as I wrote it because this was where I was at the time and, in an effort to support the adoptee centered focus I now endorse, I want other adoptive parents to be able to see and identify with the points from which I’ve come. I would, however, like to point you to this post, which is where I presently am in this journey of adoption.**
Sometimes, when my Facebook unbaby.me feed misses a baby picture and fails to put a picture of a cat doing something awesome like biting someone’s hand through a hole, my jealousy skyrockets. Not because I would choose a biological child over my amazing (soon to be legally) son S., but because I am selfish and envious of a parenthood that doesn’t require sharing your child with another mother- doesn’t require balancing the reassurance of your child never having to leave your home with the simultaneous calming of the fear that his other family has disappeared (a precarious balance which, when tipped too far in either direction can have disastrous results)- a parenthood that doesn’t require strangers coming into your home to ‘okay’ you as fit parents.
I struggle with how to explain all of this to S. in detail someday, as I’m not sure how I feel about the common retort of, “God picked you to be in this family.” I DO believe that S. is supposed to be here with us, but I DON’T believe that He wanted S.’s bio-mom to go through her downfall which resulted in her loss of him which I feel like that comment implies. How do you reconcile that? How can you say that God chose THIS but didn’t choose THAT? It is something I wrestle with. I believe more along the lines of S.’s bio-mom struggling because we live in a fallen world and God choosing us to be here for S. as a result of that trauma- not as a cause of it. That we were chosen to be the safety net; not that bio-mom was made to go through heartache so we could have this child. We were chosen for this specific child after events out of his control.
Fortunately, his bio-mom has been such an unbelievable support system and encouragement to us. SHE believes that God knew/knows that S. belongs here with us. She tells me continually how she prays for us daily and how thankful she is for us. She is our biggest supporter because she literally blessed us with a part of herself- a part of herself resulting from a deep wound she did not choose, but was forced upon her by more strangers who decided that she was an unfit mother. She chose love over bitterness and for that, I am sad that families built solely through biological means miss out. It is an aspect of Jesus which can’t be experienced in any comparable way.
This family is one I have both chosen and has chosen me. It has been a fragile, heartbreaking, and sometimes infuriating puzzle to build, but I am working on replacing my selfish need to have things ‘easier’ with a thankful attitude for the refining fire that we have been blessed with.