Tonight Ryan and I went to the parent meeting for the new Montessori school Isaac is starting. Earlier this week we went in to have Isaac meet his teacher and I checked out the slippers lining the entrance. (Montessori students have indoor slipper-shoes to wear instead of their alternate outdoor shoes.) These were not bobble-head cartoon slippers, friends. They were fanciness felted wool slippers with rubber soles. Panic. MY CHILD ISN’T GOING TO FIT IN! WE’RE NOT GOING TO FIT IN! WHAT ARE WE DOING? (It may be overkill to point out that these were not, in any way, the sentiments of Ryan, who went to the parent meeting tonight in a beer stained brewery work shirt with no qualms. HE had no qualms. I had many qualms about his beer stained shirt because I like to find things to stress out over unnecessarily.)
On top of the slipper realization, I suddenly became hyper aware of Isaac’s sandal which had broken and had been subsequently half-ass fixed by the teachers at his old preschool with duct tape over the course of that day. Good effort- I appreciated it- but considering it didn’t work, it resulted in a sandal with a back that not only flapped aimlessly, but was substantially wrapped with a tape developed for metal air vents. Baaaaah! I can’t even shoe my child appropriately let alone slipper him adequately! Mom Fail! Mom Fail!
As it turns out, there’s an unwritten Montessori parent checklist which we qualify through. About halfway through the meeting, I had this shocking realization: Oh. My. Word. We are these parents.
Unwritten Montessori Parent Checklist:
1. Drive a Subaru. (check)
2. Wear flowy peasant skirts or eclectic jewelry. (check)
3. Laugh knowingly when the teacher requests you not send in Lunchables for lunch. Silliness. Packaged preservatives? Non, non, non! (check)
4. Recognize that the male classroom aide seated next to you with the coolly bunned hair is, in fact, the same teacher your son swore he saw walk by an hour earlier as you were seated at a restaurant eating your salad of mixed greens, feta, and avocado. (check)
5. Breathe a collective sigh of relief when you are told that sunbutters and almond butters do not qualify under the peanut allergy issue. (Because it is understood that you ALL have an assortment of nut butters at your house. OOOBviously.) (check)
6. Remember that the slippers your son has at home are actually felted wool tigers from Nepal. (cheeeeeeck)
Oh, my word you guys. We ARE these people. Do you know what I did when I came home? FED MY FREE RANGE CHICKENS. I know! I don’t even know myself.
Do you see what I did there? I judged other people and then it turned out I WAS those people. I rocked out judging myself tonight, friends. That’s what we like to call NATURAL CONSEQUENCES.
So, in an act of repentance, I’ve decided that I’m going to eat a lunchable tomorrow.
(But not really, though. Those things are sick.)