On Infertility Still Sucking.

Sometimes, infertility is a shoulder shrug. The realization that this month you are not pregnant, (again), followed by a disappointed cuss word, and you go on with your day like a normal, sane person.

Sometimes, it isn’t.

Sometimes, it turns you into the worst forms of yourself.

Sometimes your brain, or your body, or both had you pretty well convinced that maybe you really WERE pregnant this month. Your body felt differently this time, or you tried new fertility meds, or you just had this FEELING. Those times, the let down is the worst.

You see parents whose children are tiny, undisciplined terrors or hear a mother misspell her 5 month old daughter’s name- twice- and you wonder how the hell it is fair that they were allowed kids and you weren’t. (Seriously? TWICE misspelled?) You get very, very judgey.

You go to buy a home pregnancy test at the drug store which is not YOUR drug store, (because the employees know you there and you don’t need ONE MORE PERSON wondering if and when you’ll be pregnant), and you can’t find the damn tests in the aisles. You ask an employee where they are located and she explains that you have to ask at the register because the high schoolers kept coming in and stealing them from the shelves. You suddenly really, really despise teenagers.

You see another Facebook post announcing someone’s third or fourth pregnancy. Despite the fact that you’ve been on this road for long enough that you are now capable of actually feeling genuine excitement and joy for friends who are newly pregnant, this time that beast of jealousy tinged with anger drags you back down by your ankles and you bloody your fingers trying to hold the ground you’ve made, but- when you’re being honest- it sometimes just feels horribly good to be really, really angry. Regrettably, there is no one to really be angry WITH, so you find scapegoats. Not fair. Don’t care.

Infertility is ugly and it can make you ugly, too. You can tell yourself how great you have it in every other area of your life and you can try to think about how much worse it COULD be, but then you’re really just trying to discredit how deeply sad you are. Trying to negate emotions doesn’t help. The trick is to find the balance between honoring your disappointment and tempering it with being thankful for so much else. Sometimes, that happens without much effort.

This isn’t one of those months.

 

Share this:Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterEmail this to someonePin on PinterestShare on Google+

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *